I fliggity-fits the mould like the gold that’s on my teeth-es

Image: LexScope via Unsplash

• Track: If Only
• Artist: Das EFX
• Album: Dead Serious
• Year: 1992

It’s been a while. At the end of my last outing, I joked about needing a break. Then I took one. For like six months. Did I spend my time exploring the far corners of hip-hop, looking for the most interesting similes? You bet I did not. But I recently paid for another year’s web hosting, so I might as well use it.

Even without the six-month hiatus, it’s been a while since we visited the golden age of East Coast hip-hop. This time out it’s the tiggidy-turn of Das EFX, one of the most distinctive voices of the era. Apparently anyway, they somehow passed me by.

Unfair as it might sound, I’d place Das EFX squarely in the novelty act territory. Dray and Skoob’s wibbly-wobbly made-up words thing starts to grate pretty quickly. It makes decoding their similes a bit tricky in places. More seriously, it also negatively affects their words per simile rating, which with hindsight I’m sure they regret. What Dray and Skoob lack in not being irritating, they certainly make up for with simile use though. And that, dear readers, is why we’re here.

I was struggling to write the introduction to this post (for six months). But then inspiration hit me: why not get artificial intelligence à la mode ChatGPT to write it for me? Believe it or not, I write for a living, so I wanted to see if this little AI troublemaker might put me out of a job. (Spoiler: not yet.) I fed ChatGPT a couple of previous ihhsdb entries and asked it to create an intro for this tune. This is what it spat out:

As I continue my journey through the vast world of hip-hop, this time I’m shifting gears towards a classic gem by the legendary duo Das EFX. ‘If Only’ has been a staple in the genre since its release [LIE], and it’s definitely one of my top picks in terms of pure, unadulterated lyrical prowess [LIE].

You see, when it comes to the art of hip-hop, I’m a bit of a connoisseur [TRUE]. Just like bird-watching, it requires patience, attention to detail and a peculiarly obsessive streak [SORT OF TRUE I GUESS]. And, while my neighbour’s drumming skills haven’t quite reached the level of an amateur drummer yet, he’s got unwavering optimism, which is something I admire [WHAT?].

But, enough about my neighbour. Let’s get back to the topic at hand. Das EFX has always been known for their signature delivery style and intricate wordplay, and ‘If Only’ is no exception [TRUE]. The track is a testament to their lyrical mastery and their impact on the genre [TRUE].

So, I’ll grab my binoculars and head out to the hills, or in this case, delve into the world of ‘If Only’ by Das EFX. And, as always, I’ll be on the lookout for those clever similes and wordplays that make hip-hop such a thrilling experience. Quack quack.

Yeah…I wrote about bird watching once and now I’m apparently obsessed with it. I’ve got a lot of time for a noisy neighbour non sequitur though.

For now, I think my career is safe. Though in future when I’m struggling with simile spotter’s block, I might call upon ChatGPT. It’s fun. One thing that ChatGPT didn’t spot: this is almost definitely the first hip-hop tune to use the word ‘egads’. And on that bombshell, let’s take a little look.

Quack quack.

The lyrics

View full annotated lyrics on genius.com

[Intro]

Yo, I hear the floor creaking…
‘As we go a little something like this, hit it!’

That sample in the intro doesn’t count for two reasons: it’s a sample, and fails the law of the two-sided simile.  But fear not, as we’ve got a lot of way more interesting similes to look at that do count.

First up to show us what he’s made of is (checks notes) Skoob, so called because he reads books backwards. Probably.

[Verse 1: Skoob]

Shiggity shaz-bots, hops, I rocks
I kiggity-kicks the drama like a farmer picks the crops
Pops, I diggity-digs more wigs than John The Baptist
They call me Mr. Rapper, so I guess I be the rapp-est

That’s a nice start, I do love a track with two similes in the first four lines. While that first simile is pleasant, it’s not particularly interesting. Though it does remind me of a similar theme that Four Owls went with 25 years later.

John the Baptist becomes the latest in a longish line of biblical characters to go in the database. John was beheaded after – shock – divorcing his wife and then unlawfully marrying his brother’s wife. Bad boy. Where wigs come into it, I have no idea. Surely someone without a head would need fewer wigs?

No practice, yo Krazy (Yiggity yes, knocker)
Don’t bolo like Han Solo, come rough like Chewbacca

While I love to see a pair of themed similes, I’ve got no idea what bolo means. The internet’s not being much help here. Apparently it might stand for ‘be on the look out [for]’. But that doesn’t really work here.

I asked ChatGPT, because evidently I can’t do anything without it now. It told me:

In this context, “bolo” may be short for “boloney” meaning “nonsense” or “falsehood.” So, the line may be interpreted as a warning not to front or put on a façade like Han Solo, but instead to be authentic and true to oneself like Chewbacca, who is known for his loud, growling roar and fierce loyalty.

Ok then.

So let’s chalk this one up as a mystery.

So ease back, slick, or get kicked in the tush
Yep, I call ya snaggle if you’re puss-
Egads, I rip shop, until the roof fell in
And plus I piggity-pop your shit like Doug Llewelyn

Doug Llewelyn is the most stereotypical American-anchorman-looking person I’ve ever seen. He hosted The People’s Court. It’s one of those shows which makes entertainment out of people’s misery by pitting them against each other in a televised small claims court. It’s a shame that it didn’t exist in John the Baptist’s time, maybe things would have ended less drastically for him.

But umm, rarely does my crew get into beef-es
I fliggity-fits the mould like the gold that’s on my teeth-es
Oh Jesus, I’m the youngest, Blitzy be the eldest
I’m hipper than the hip bone connected to your pelvis
So hickory-dickory doc, diggity-don’t you wish

Two biology-related similes in quick succession here. Both are straightforward (like the average American’s teeth).  So no need to dwell on them, or ask ChatGPT.

Time for a quick hook. Seasoned simile spotters will know the (sort-of) simile in the sample here doesn’t count.

[Hook]

“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“like, this” “like, this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”

It’s the turn of Dray now, so named because he, err, has a backyard? Probably. I don’t know, I couldn’t be bothered to read the Das EFX Wikipedia article. Anyway, ignore all that because Dray’s verse is a masterclass in (occasionally nonsensical) simile.

[Verse 2: Dray]

Shibbity-bop, shibbity-boo, check out the way I drops the scoop
I’m kniggity-knockin fronts out, daily, troop
I friggity-fry the funk that’s why they call me Krazy Drayzie
I giggity-gots more props than that kid named Beetle Bailey

Who hasn’t friggity-fried the odd funk?

For those not in the know (i.e. me), Beetle Bailey is a comic strip that’s been going since 1950. Wikipedia describes Bailey as ‘a feckless, shirking, perpetual goof-off and straggler known for his chronic laziness and generally insubordinate attitude.’

Why don’t you tell us what you really feel, Wikipedia? So I guess the props in question are more to do with the series’ longevity.

The similes come thicker and faster than an idiotic sprinter (sorry) in this next bit. So I’ll keep interruptions to a minimum.

The boogity-woogity Brooklyn boy, he’s cool like Grizzly ruin
I swingity-swing more shit than Tarzan be doin’

That first simile ruins my ability to appreciate that fine, cheeky Tarzan simile. I’ve got no idea what Dray’s on about, and neither does the internet. It might be a transcription error. I’ve listened back a couple of times, but don’t have anything better. So this has to go down as one of those pesky but rare (around 5%) similes that I must label as ‘uncategorisable’. Bah.

I heard that shit was thick that’s why I spick like I was span
Then I, umm, flick my bic and take a dip like Aquaman

I tried to ask ChatGPT to explain that first simile and got told off. It thought I was using a racial slur. So I think that’s enough AI help for one day. I think it’s just a bit of meaningless wordplay.

‘Flick your Bic’ was a Bic lighters tagline from the 70s and 80s. And our sixth reference to superheroes completes this intriguing simile pair. I’m assuming to ‘take a dip’ is to smoke illicit substances, mostly because of the following line.

So, umm, figgity-fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell blunts
I gibbity-got lines like Evel Knievel got bitch stunts

I’m going to go out on a broken limb and assume you know who Evel Knievel was. According to Wikipedia he got his name after spending a night in jail with a man called William ‘Awful’ Knofel. Definitely sounds better than Robert Knievel.

Ya dunce, I’m diggity-down with The Hit Squad, aiight
I figgity-fly more heads than Benjamin flew kites

Ironically, the meaning of this simile has flown right over my head (because kites). But at least I do know that Dray is referencing Benjamin Franklint, he of the ‘key tied to a kite’ myth. Franklin becomes only the second named scientist in our database, even though it’s only his first name. Albert got their first.

So I, spiggity-spark the spliff and give me a lift so I can rock
I got more skills than John Han got cock
So hickory-dickory doc, diggity-don’t you wish

This is more of a silly play on words than a serious attempt at simile. Tut. I had no idea why we talk about signatures as ‘John Hancocks’. It turns out it’s because the man himself had such a large and stylish signature (on the Declaration of Independence). Fascinating. A more appropriate simile would therefore be ‘I got more skills than flourishes on John Hancock’s signature’ but that wouldn’t scan.

I’m exhausted after Dray’s dazzling simile demonstration. He’s got more similes than the ink John Hancock uses on his signature. It’s a relief to have another hook so I can take a minute.

[Hook]

“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“like, this” “like, this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”

There are just two much shorter verses to get through. Like a cat on an inspirational poster, hang in there.

[Verse 3: Skoob]

And away we go, priggity-praise the Lord, Our Father
I kiggity-caught The Love Boat at Puerto Vallarta
I’m finnicky like the cap’ but shoots more funk than Funkadelic
It’s diggity-Das EFX umm, chump, can you smell it?

Two similes in one line? That’s the sort of action we’re here for.

That cap thing might be something to do with the TV show Love Boat. I don’t know, your guess is as good as mine. Can you tell I’m running out of steam?

But I can tell you (you should know already) that Funkadelic is a brilliant George Clinton band from the 70s. No prizes for guessing the genre. We’ve seen before how popular musical references are – yet this is only the fourth band (rather than a solo act) to enter my humble hip-hop simile database.

Yippity-yapper doozy, watch me ease on down the road, hun
So come on, baby, and do the loco-motion
Umm, so now what the fuck?

[Verse 4: Dray]

I give ’em a sugar smack then they quack like Daffy Duck

I’m overruling the Genius transcription (which says ‘crack like Daffy Duck’). It’s my blog I’ll do what I like. Either way, it doesn’t make a great deal of sense. But it as sure as heck makes more sense than the rest of the tune, which sees Dray descend into outright gibberish. How much sugar was in that smack?

Schmuck, I’m kniggity-knarly, dude, hey swick ‘em
I biggity-bangs the chunks cause they plumps when I cook ’em
I’m quiggity-quick-quick, thiggity-thick-thick, tiggity-tick-tack-toe
So figgity-figado, figado, fi-ga-do
I’m niggity-not the herb but look at the burb, it’s gonna stunt
I figgity-funked up Sanford, and his fuckin’ Son
So hickory-dickory doc, diggity-don’t you wish

You know what I wish? That the track’s ending wasn’t so drawn out.

[Hook]

“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…..like this”
“like, this” “like, this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”
“If only it sounded like this” “…….like this”

Well, wasn’t that worth the wait? An extremely impressive 18 similes. This is one of the lowest words per simile score we’ve seen, coming second only to Jeru the Damaja. Things like ‘tiggity-tic-tac-toe’ count as single words, at least using the counter I use, so Das EFX may have gotten away with it a little here. Or perhaps that’s unfair – Dray and Skoob are clearly big simile fans, sharing the honours beautifully with nine each in this track. And the similes per minute score would be more impressive without that excruciatingly long fade out.

Expert simile obsessives may have noticed that a third of this track’s similes are comparatives. Das EFX are particularly fond of the ‘I’ve got more x than x’ format. As I explain here in overly-great detail, I consider these similes, even if irritating pedants don’t.

I’ll be back, probably in a year or so, to look at more hip-hop similes. As I say, I just renewed the domain. And if that’s not a good reason to carry on this random trawl through rap’s greatest figures of speech, I don’t know what is.

The stats